The Grass is Always Greener (and Naked) on the Other Side

Soon after we moved into this house, my husband became obsessed with replacing our fences. The fence we share with our neighbor Barbara could hardly be considered a wall. It's more like a picket fence, a reasonable height if you're a family of dorps. As it happens, Baby Dude's window is just a stone's throw from Barbara's room and a constant source of anxiety for my husband. "We need block walls. We can see right into her room!" he rants, his voice almost reaching hysteria. He is terrified that one of these days he'll be minding his own business and happen to glance out the window only to have a "close-encounter-of-the-naked-kind" with Barbara. For some reason when I imagine this scenario she is not only naked but also dancing around the room to psychedelic music, her sagging seventy-year-old body swinging in slo-mo to the beat.

But truth be known, Barbara was actually the one who should've been afraid, been very afraid. She was the one "exposed to the exposed", if you will. Last Saturday afternoon, Barbara had taken out the trash and was heading back inside when she made the fateful decision to look up in the direction of our house. The garage door was open as it usually is on the weekends and standing amid the bikes, strollers, and surfboards that clutter our garage was my husband's stark naked body. He was apparently trying to put on his wetsuit when she caught sight of him. He must have heard her jaw hit the ground. He quickly looked up, and their eyes locked. There was no covering up and definitely no way to pull off a "maybe-she-didn't-see-me" exit strategy. What to do? He did the only thing you can do in situations like this. He said hello. I know, very "An-Affair-to-Remember/Sleepless-in-Seattle"ish but without the sentimental saccharinity or fully-clothed actors. No doubt, Barbara returned to her house, to her "happy place", a little more worldly and a lot more wobbly.

This story was not much of a surprise to me. At our old house with its monumentally tall block walls, I often found him watering the backyard plants in nothing but his ankle socks, a vision in white minus the beautiful bride and gown. He argues that he did it just to shock me, but I know better. He's a naturist at heart. Sometimes after he surfs, I find him showering au naturel in the backyard which I suspect is the real reason why he wants better fence coverage. So until we can afford to replace these fences, think twice before peeking into our backyard, or it won't just be the green grass and palm trees that you'll be admiring. Sorry, Babs. This warning is coming one week and ten seconds too late for you.