Attention, Shoppers!

I love a good deal as much as the next shopper, but probably not for the same reasons. For years, I thought my frugality had to do with a sharply-disputed memory from my childhood involving a certain pair of cowboy boots. The way I remember it, my parents could not afford to buy me shoes in the third grade so I wore a pair of crummy ol' hand-me-down boots every day that year. [Cue my mother's eye rolling as she reads this.] I can just hear the exasperation in her voice as she protests, "No, Leilen. You WANTED to wear those ridiculous boots every day. We begged and pleaded with you to take them off, but you insisted on wearing them, practically wore them to BED every night. You just don't remember!" Oh, I remember, alright! I remember the bitter contempt in Bratty Becky's eyes as she looked me up-and-down on Western Day and sniggered, "I just knew you'd wear those boots today." I mean, come on! What kid WANTS to compete in the third grade's most prestigious agility competition, the Chinese Jumprope Championship, wearing cowboy boots the size of Texas?! Not exactly my idea of vessels of nimbleness.

But if I were to be totally honest, I doubt my bargain hunting has much to do with the boots (There, I said it, Ma) or with trying to stretch the dollar. For me, sales are all about stickin' it to the Man. I like knowing that in some small corner of the universe, usually the children's books section of TJ MAXX, I've got the upper hand on the free market. If I find a perfectly good Sandra Boynton board book with a few nicks in the binding, and I'm able to convince the sales clerk to mark it down a buck or two, it's as good as saying, "Ha! Take that, Corporate America! How do you like THEM profit margins!!!"

Last week, I drove for thirty-five minutes to a Mervyns out in the middle of nowhere because it had a Disney Giselle doll on sale for 30% off. Probably not one of my smartest shopping moments when you factor in the amount of money I spent driving my gas-guzzling SUV there and back, but I had my reasons. This doll, the only thing Lil' Miss wanted, HAD TO HAVE for her birthday, was no longer available in any of the stores and could only be found online where it was being sold for fifteen dollars more. Fifteen wasted dollars! Do you know how many Del Taco diet cokes that could buy? And there is no way, not even if I am led by a trail of homemade chocolate chip cookies, that I am EVER going to pay full price for something I know is on sale somewhere else. I'd sooner dip my contact lenses in tobasco sauce.

Never mind that I ended up just giving her the dumb doll on the way home, pulling the car over and untwisting every last one of those wretched metal ties from the box, just so I didn't have to listen to one more round of, "I know, Giselle. I love you too. Soon we'll be together like a real princess family..." What choice did I have? If I waited a couple of weeks to give Lil' Miss the doll on her actual birthday, she'd be lugging that box around with us everywhere we went, hugging it, stroking it, and talking to it like some crazy kid with an army of invisible friends in her head. Note to self: Don't take birthday kid with you to buy birthday present. Almost as smart as touring the L.A. King Tut Exhibit with screaming, crying, arm-flailing toddler who thinks your brilliant idea of taking a stroller nap is as poopy as her diaper. Good times, good times...

But this weekend, my sale savvyness definitely paid off. I think I proved, once again, that a mother armed with confidence and a really good coupon is a force to be reckoned with. It was time to update my boy's mug shot at the Target Portrait Studio where I have become somewhat of a local over the last few years. I arrived for our appointment with a buttoned-up, hair-slicked and wildly handsome Baby Dude, but where were my girls? Where were studio photographers Red-headed Jennifer and Pregnant-Once-Again Breann who knew my kids and, more importantly, knew my $8.99 portrait package coupon? Who's this guy? Mr. Smiley with the Mickey Mouse voice?

He ushered us back to the photo room and Baby Dude plopped his butt right down on the red light in the middle of the white backdrop. (He knows the drill.) Mickey started asking him how old he was. I was struggling to conceal the smirk on my face. How old he is? Not old enough to tell you how old he is! This is your GREAT plan to bring out my son's beautiful smile? What else have you got in that photo bag of tricks? Where's the pink feather duster to tickle his feet? Or the talking tennis ball? Tell me you've got the TALKING TENNIS BALL!!!

Nevertheless, my happy-go-lucky boy produced some of the greatest smiling shots ever, no thanks to Mickey. Photo Guy then loaded them up on the computer so I could choose which picture I wanted for the $8.99 portrait package special. And this is where most mothers go wrong. They can't just choose ONE picture. They make the fatal mistake of viewing each adorable shot as a guilt-ridden mother rather than as a hardcore business woman. I wish I had a digitally-enhanced 8x10 for every time one of my friends left for Target with an $8.99 coupon clutched tightly in her hand and returned home with a $200 portrait bill shoved way down at the bottom of her pants pocket. Ladies, photo previewing is NOT the time for tearful regrets about all the pictures you never took or bought. It is, however, the time to wear your "Don't Mess with Mama" t-shirt and to then STICK IT TO THE MAN!

But this time even I was starting to buckle. Every last one of those pictures was so stinkin' CUTE. Darn that boy and his edible face! I was seriously wavering, even considering the unthinkable- $3.99 portrait sheets! Ughhh! What was happening to me? Mickey must have seen the vulnerable look in my eyes because he immediately swooped in on me like a ravenous pterodactyl, snatched the computer mouse out of my hand, and demanded, "No, you HAVE to get this one. It would make great wallet shots and 5x7's are a must! Then some 3x5's of this one and more wallets of that one. Definitely an 8x10 of this one!" And that was all the overzealous, money-grubbing photo guy had to say to snap me out of my swindled stupor. I looked him square in the face and said, "Actually, I'll only being buying one shot because I'm using my $8.99 portrait package coupon today, thank you very much." And that was that. He rang me up, handed me my receipt for $9.69 ($8.99 + taxes), and sent us on our way.

I gave up some pretty adorable, never-to-be-seen-again shots of Baby Dude that day, especially that one of him in profile sitting on the crate. But it was a small price to pay for preserving my tenacious grit. Actually, you can't put a price on that.